He Hated Me Until He Lost Me novel

Micahs POV
Since the day Noah died, my husband, Alpha Renan, never stopped blaming me. He said I killed our son. My two other boys hated me too, convinced it was my fault their youngest brother was gone. Every day, they reminded me of that night. Every whisper in the pack scraped my soul raw.
She killed her own child.
What kind of Luna does that?
What kind of mother?
Why are you staring at that picture again? Renans voice hit me like a whip as he walked in. No matter how long you stare at Noahs face, hes not coming backbecause you killed him!
I froze, clutching the photo. I hadnt expected him. He hadnt shared this room with me since Noahs death. Three years later, the bed still felt cold. The air still carried his absence.
I placed the picture on the nightstand and stood, my eyes dropping to the floor. I didnt dare meet his gaze.
Alpha Renan Monreerleader of the Moonreer Pack. Tall, broad-shouldered, dangerously handsome, feared and admired across the Eastern Realm. Every she-wolf wanted him. Every Alpha bowed to him.
And once upon a time, he was mine.
Twenty years ago, hed sworn to love me until his last breath. To protect me. To cherish me.
Promises. Empty, beautiful lies.
Do you need something, Alpha? I asked quietly, bowing my head.
The servants said you skipped your duties, he said, his tone sharp. And here you are, staring into space. Did I ever tell you to rest in the middle of the day? You killed Noah, Micah. Youll pay for that every single day you breathe. Now get out there and clean the hall. Beta Maurice wants the house spotless. She hates filth.
Beta Maurice.
Her name still burned like poison on my tongue. His lover. The woman who replaced me in every way that mattered.
For three long years, Id watched them togetherhis soft smiles, his gentle hands, his affection that used to be mine.
Why did I stay? Maybe because I still loved him. Maybe because I thought I deserved this. I hurt him. I hurt my sons. Maybe I really was at fault.
Ill clean, I murmured, my voice shaking.
But inside, my chest ached. I had tried to save Noah. I had fought to keep him breathing, even when my wolf was fading. I would have traded my life for his. But fate didnt give me that choice.
If youre done crying, go cook for us, Renan said. Make Maurices favorite. Shes pregnant.
The words sank in slowly. Pregnant.
I lifted my gaze, meeting the ocean-blue eyes I once adored. His calm, cold expression twisted the knife deeper.
Maurice is pregnant.
Maurice is pregnant.
Maurice. Pregnant.
Whats so shocking? he sneered. Shes young, healthy, and beautiful. She smells better, shes strong, and she knows how to please me.
I felt my breath hitch. My heart didnt just breakit disintegrated.
Look at you, Micah, he said, his voice dripping with disgust. Youre old, weak, and pitiful. You reek of failure. A Luna like you is a disgrace. The divorce papers will be ready soon. Sign them, so Maurice can take your place. Shes perfectstrong wolf, powerful family, and she serves the Empress herself.
Each word cut through my ribs like claws. I wanted to scream, but I knew better. If I spoke, his rage would follow. Ten years of marriage had taught me that silence kept me alive.
He used to say Maurice was just a friend, an ally from BloodCrest Pack. But after Noah after everything I realized the truth. Hed betrayed me long before that night.
My world had already fallen apart.
Father, whats taking so long? Mom Maurice is waiting for us to fetch her, said Dylan, my eldest. He stepped into the room, tall and proud, looking every bit like his father except for his violet eyes, the only thing he got from me.
He looked at me like I was something rotten.
Did she slack off again? he asked bitterly.
What else can you expect? Dominic chimed in, standing beside him. She let Noah die. Shes selfish and heartless. She deserves to be punished again.
My boys. My precious sons. The same ones I carried, nursed, and loved. They now looked at me with nothing but hate.
They saw me as nothing.
A monster.
A failure.
A murderer.
And maybe they were right. Maybe I really had no place in their world anymore.
Still, despite all of itdespite the bruises, the cold stares, the endless painI loved them.

Micahs POV
He is still your son, Alpha Renan said, eyes on me. Do what I told you. After everything you have done to my child, it is enough.
His son. Not ours. The words cut deeper than any blade. I could not breathe, but I forced a smile. Tears would not fix anything. Begging would not change what they already believed. Even if I died, it would not be enough.
Had they ever listened to my side? No. No matter how I tried to explain, it never mattered. I was the one to blame for Noahs death in their eyes.
They left to fetch Maurice while I scrubbed the pack floor. No one helped. No one had sympathy. Everyone hated me.
Why does the Alpha keep that terrible wife? someone whispered.
She should be banished.
What a shame to have her as Luna.
Their words fell over me like spit. I had once been someone they dared not disrespect. I had given up everything for love. I had chosen my mate and left the life I belonged to because I believed in him.
I thought choosing Renan would give me the life I dreamed oflove, care, protection. Instead, it tore me to pieces. Tears slid down my face and fell into the water at my feet. How many times would I cry before their accusations stopped?
My own blood and flesh hated me.
If only they had listened. Then Noahs death would not weigh so heavy inside me. I would not have to carry a sin I never committed.
How long could I endure pain I did not deserve?
Soon, I promised myself, I would leave this hell.
After work I went to the kitchen to prepare Maurices meal. I had not eaten properly in days. At Moonreer, I had never been shown mercy. Renans parents kept me hungry, whipped me when I slacked, and forced me to work until I had no strength left. Martin and Louisa Monreer made my life a living torment. They wanted me locked away, but they would not sully their image, so they punished me in other ways.
I had thought Renan would believe me that night, when I tried to save Noah. I did everything I could, but I was too late. I beat myself with the thought that if only I had reached him sooner, none of this would have happened.
I gripped the knife tight as I cut meat, the handle pressing into my palm.
How are you, Micah? Maurices silver voice slid behind me. You look so thin. I thought you might die.
To everyone else she was a lamb, but to me she was a predator. She enjoyed my ruin.
You are like a poison that dies slow, she said and stopped beside me. I feel sorry for you, Micah. You used to be loved, but you did this to your own blood. How could a mother do that to her son?
I kept working and pretended not to hear. What fight could I start? If I called her out, she would cry to Renan and he would strike me again. How many times had he slapped me? How many times had he choked me? How many times did he press my head into a wall?
I had hoped he would listen, that his love would clear the misunderstanding. But I was finished hoping.
I was done looking pathetic. I was done being punished for a crime I did not commit. I was done with them.
She rubbed her belly and smiled. I am carrying Renans pups. He is going to marry me soon.
The words stung like salt in a raw wound. How could Renan so easily replace me and forget his promises?
I remembered his whisper in my ear as we danced one night, how he had promised, I will love you, cherish you, believe you, and protect you. He had placed a ruby necklace on my throat as a vow.
Years passed, and his anger never faded. He never came to ask what really happened. The promise turned to ash.
Are you jealous, Micah? Maurice asked, the smile sharp. Is someone you love loving me instead of you? Replaced?
I kept my face steady. She grabbed my hair hard enough to make my scalp burn. I did not give her the satisfaction of a scream. I only waited.
Renan approached and she let go as if I had pushed her. She dropped to the floor and put on a show.
How could you? You tried to harm me and my pups, she cried, acting wounded.
Micah! What are you doing? Renans voice echoed, angry and loud.
I stood and faced Maurice, feeling nothing. Renan came to her like I had never existed.
You have gone too far, Micah. You would kill my children too, he spat, his hand grabbing my neck.
I looked at him without anything left to give. I saw the shock in his eyes, the same eyes that had once held softly at me.

Micahs POV
His grip cut the air from my lungs. I stared at him with empty eyes. Try to harm Maurice or my pups again, Micah, and I will kill you with my own hands, he hissed.
Alpha, do not hurt her, Maurice pleaded, voice shaking. She did not mean it.
Renan let go of me slowly. She can handle this, he said, voice flat. Do you understand, Micah?
I nodded. When he released me I swallowed hard and coughed. Tears wanted to fall, but I kept them tucked away. I walked back to my work, refusing to give them the satisfaction of seeing me break.
Renan lifted Maurice into his arms, cradling her like she was made of glass. He watched us go and then left. Once the door closed, the tears finally fell. I pressed my hand to my chest, where my heart felt raw and split.
Why must it hurt this much, Renan? Why did you have to wound me like this?
I set plates at the dining table and watched them together. Renan stroked Maurices face with a tenderness he had never shown me. I served the food while my stomach twisted with something that felt like betrayal.
Thank you, Micah, Maurice said sweetly. That brisket is perfect. I am sorry about earlier.
Renan glanced my way like I was nothing more than a servant. His love for me was gone. I wanted to shout that I was his Luna, that I deserved better, but I swallowed it and nodded instead.
You can leave now, he said coldly. I should have said no. I should have reminded him what my title meant. Instead I bowed my head and walked away.
Micah, Maurice called after me. I paused.
Are you coming to my betrothal announcement next month? she asked. We are close. I would love you to be there.
Dear friends, she called me. A friend who had betrayed me.
I forced a smile. Of course, if Alpha Renan wants me there.
Maurice giggled with delight. You are such a good friend. He will want you there for sure.
Then Renan added, smiling in that way that used to make me melt, Yes. Our divorce will be finalized next week.
My heart ripped again like paper. I kept my face smooth. What else was there to fight for? I had lost everything. I would not keep hurting for people who had already thrown me away.
Yes, Alpha. I will go wash the dishes, I said, calm and small.
He stared at me for a long moment. Maurice touched his arm and smiled as if everything was perfect. I am hungry, Alpha. The pups took my food. I am sure they will be strong and healthy.
Then let us eat, Renan said, and they turned their attention to each other as if I were not in the room.
After they left, I cleared the table and washed the dishes. Dylan stood behind me and barked, Bring me water, old woman. Two servants stood nearby but did nothing.
I filled a glass and offered it to him. He pushed it away. I want sprinkled water, old woman, he demanded.
I did as he asked and moved closer. A servants foot caught me and I stumbled. The glass shattered. Dylan leapt forward, furious.
You reckless old hag! Look at my shirt! Mother Maurice bought this. It is worth more than your life! He spat, then kicked me hard in the ribs. Pain exploded through me and I tasted blood.
How could my son strike his own mother like that?
The broken glass sliced my hand. Blood ran warm down my fingers. I am sorry, I whispered. I will be careful.
Sorry? Maybe you are trying to kill me like you killed Noah, he snarled. If I catch you, I will tear you apart. I hate being your son. If only Maurice were my real mother. Noah would still be alive.
Then he left, leaving me on the floor. The two servants snickered as they walked away.
I pushed myself up and stared at my hand. It shook and bled. The hurt ran deeper than the wound.
I am done. I will leave this place as soon as I can.
I hope my parents will forgive me and take me back.

Micahs POV
I stared at the last letter my mother gave me before I left home.
I hope youll realize how wrong you are, my princess. When that time comes, come back to your mother
She was right. She had always been right. Tears blurred my vision. I missed her so muchher voice, her warmth. Mama, I wish you were here. I hope Papa forgives me for cutting ties with you.
You were right, Mama. I did love the wrong man. The wrong Were.
I grabbed a piece of paper and began to write, then whistled softly through my hand. It had been fourteen years since I last called Monmy black hawk.
I wasnt sure if hed still come, but deep down, I knew he never left me.
Moments later, a dark shape glided through the sky and landed gracefully on the window sill. His sharp black eyes watched me with quiet loyalty. I fed him a strip of dried beef, and he took it gladly. I hugged him close, pressing a soft kiss on his head.
Mon, deliver this to Mama, I whispered.
I tied the rolled letter to his leg, and he gave me one last look before spreading his wings and flying off into the sky.
After he left, I climbed down from the attic and went back to cleaning the second floor. When I passed by Renans chamber, memories stabbed through methe first time I walked in and saw him with Maurice. Their bodies entwined, his eyes meeting mine as if daring me to react.
Eight years since I discovered their affair. Eight long years. I shouldve left then. But my foolish heart kept hoping hoping that love would heal what was already dead. I tried to make it work for the sake of my sons. But all he did was tear my heart apart, piece by piece, until nothing was left.
Whatever small fraction of love I had for him was gone now. Completely gone.
That night, I couldnt sleep. My stomach growled, but I didnt care. It had been three days since I last ate. The only thing Id managed to swallow was a strip of meatfor Mon.
I missed my wolf. I missed me. I wasnt whole anymore.
The next morning, while cleaning Renans room, I found something on his desk, it was an invitation.
The Empires Grand Ball.
It was the same invitation I once dreamed of receiving. I used to imagine walking beside him in that grand hall, the entire werewolf realm watching us as I stood proudly as his Luna. But that dream never came true.
The names written on the invitation made my stomach twist.
Renan Monreer and Maurice Lorne.
It was supposed to be me.
I remembered our fights beforehis excuses that Maurice was there for pack business. I believed him. Foolishly believed him. Until the truth became too loud to ignore.
The sound of water stopped. Renan stepped out of the bath, a towel hanging low around his waist as he dried his hair. His body was sculpted, all muscle and perfection too good-looking for the monster he really was.
What are you staring at? he sneered. Look at yourself, Micah. No one would want you. You look old, thin, pale. You smell disgusting. You deserve it for killing my son.
His words hit like venom, but I stayed silent. I had no tears left for him.
He grabbed my hair suddenly, yanking my head back. Whats this? he barked, eyes landing on a knife under his pillow. Are you trying to kill me?
The cold steel pressed against my neck.
Its not mine, Alpha, I said quietly. Why are you accusing me?
He laughed bitterly. Not yours? I dont believe you. Youre a liar and a murderer. He pushed me hard, and I fell to the floor.
I regret ever making you my mate, he spat. I regret marrying you, loving you. You make me sick, Micah. Youre nothing but an evil, crazy woman.
His words no longer cut deep. Maybe because the pain had already numbed everything inside me.
Why would I hurt you, Renan? I asked softly. I still love you.
He pinned my leg down, his grip so strong I thought hed break it.
Love? he scoffed. You think that word fixes anything? You think saying it changes what you did? Youll never be worthy of love, Micah. Never.
I was tired. Too tired to cry. I looked at myself in the broken mirror. My eyes were lifeless, my face pale and hollow. My brown hair was dry, tied carelessly behind me.
I used to be beautiful. I used to be cherished, pampered, lovedthe daughter everyone believed would carry our bloodlines strength.
Now, I was nothing.
Then, I heard the familiar flutter of wings. I ran to the window. Mon landed gracefully.
He carried a letter and a small pouch tied to his leg.
Thank you, I whispered, kissing his head.
I untied the letter and gave him two strips of meat, but he nudged them back toward me, refusing to eat. My throat tightened. My eyes stung with tears.
Mon cared more for me than the people I once called family.
I opened the letter, and the moment I saw my mothers handwriting, the tears finally fell.

Micahs POV
Back in my chamber, the room felt cold and empty. The walls held picture frames of my family, complete with Noah, my baby.
My eyes welled up as I stared at them. It was the only picture of a family once whole. Love could not change what happened. No matter how much I held onto it, it could not fix the broken pieces.
I had thought love was powerful, that it could last forever. I was wrong. The love I thought I had with Renan was nothing but an illusion, a fragile hope I had clung to since the Moon Goddess Feast in the Empires grand park.
I thought love would protect me from pain, that it would not shatter me into pieces.
I let out a heavy sigh, grabbed a frame, and smashed it into pieces. There was nothing left to fight for in this family.
I would leave for good, and I would bring justice for Noah. Those who killed him would pay.
I gathered everything that tied me to themthe family pictures, the wedding ring, the necklace Renan had given me, my dresses, Noahs little clothesand I burned it in the trashcan, inhaling the smoke as I let it go.
What are you doing? Trying to burn the pack down? Dominic barged in, eyes wide at the flames. You crazy woman! Are you out of your mind? He grabbed my arm and slammed me against the wall, calling for a servant to douse the fire with water.
I had thrown everything into that fire. There was nothing to salvage.
Dominics fury boiled over. He kicked me in the stomach. Blood and pain shot through me.
You will be punished for trying to set us on fire! he roared. Father will never forgive this!
I am not trying to set fire, Dominic, I said, my voice trembling.
He recoiled at the word son. Dont call me that! I dont have a mother who would kill her own son! His words choked him with rage.
Say that again, and Ill cut your tongue out! You crazy murderer! he spat. I let him shout.
You are right, I said coldly. I have no son. No family. Why would it matter? I shoved him hard, and he stumbled back. I may not have been a wolf yet, but I was the most dangerous wolf in the realm the strongest, the smartest, one who could take down an army.
His eyes widened with fear. Youre trying to kill me! You crazy woman!
I stepped closer, leaning into the fear I saw in him. You are not my son. I have no son anymore. You should not worry. You will never be my son.
Then I passed him.
Crazy woman! Where are you going? he shouted.
Im crazy, right? I said coldly. Then Ill be crazy. I have no family anymore.
Ill call Father! You will be punished! You crazy woman!
I went down the stairs and saw Dylan and Maurice entering. They were laughing about the food and the finest berry wine in the city.
Maurice waved at me. Micah! Youre here! Take these bags. Ill stay here. Isnt it perfect?
Its perfect, Mom, Dylan smiled, though his eyes were on me. Why didnt you take them?
I stared at the two large bags, then at Dylan, then at Maurice. Without a word, I grabbed them.
Where should I take them? I asked.
You know where, Maurice answered with a smile.
Once I placed the bags in Renans chamber, I stared at the room. Memories clung to every corner some sweet, some painful. I collected every gift I had given him, every watch, every piece of clothing, and stuffed them into a plastic bag. Then I went to Dylans room, and Dominics, taking everything I had given them.
I burned it all in the back.
They were no longer my family. My sons, my husband they were gone from me in every sense.
I watched the flames consume everything. Memories turned to ash. It meant nothing to me now.
Mama, I whispered to myself. Ill be coming home soon, and I will take the throne you always wanted for me.

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