When I Finally Let You Go novel
My best friends eyes went wide with shock.Didnt he say he was finally going to make your relationship public?Why are you suddenly divorcing him?
I gave her a bitter smile.
I had waited five years for Fredric to acknowledge me publicly as his wife.Five years of a hidden marriage.But truth be told,I had loved him for fifteen years since we were children.
Even if he was cold as ice,I was willing to keep warming him,sayingI love youagain and again,even if it took ninety-nine times to melt him.
Everyone thought I would never leave Fredric.
But two weeks ago,the day my mother was dying,I begged him to drive me to the hospital.He left me on the side of the highway in a torrential downpour,all because his first love had called.
By the time I finally made it to the hospital,drenched and trembling,my mother only had enough strength to hold my hand before she passed away.
That moment shattered me.
I had always told myself Fredric was just emotionally distant,not heartless.
But at the hospital,his first love smiled sweetly at me and said,Cant you tell?Fredric is cold to everyone except me.
Then she threw a photo in my face.In it,the man I loved,who hated mess and never touched anyone,was gently wiping milk from the corner of her mouth,looking at her with a softness I had never once seen in his eyes.
I couldnt lie to myself any longer.
I could never warm his heart.
But that woman,she was his flame.
So,I decided to let go.A week ago,I quietly placed the divorce papers on his desk.He didnt even glance at them before signing.
Seven more days and Ill be free.
Outside the caf,Fredrics black sedan was parked by the curb.He had come to pick me up,cold and indifferent as always,but never asking if I wanted the ride.
He glanced at me,frowning slightly,since he wasnt used to my silence.
That contract you gave me to sign a few days ago,which company was it with?
***
I opened my mouth to answer,but he cut me off,Never mind.It doesnt matter.I trust your judgment.
That one sentence cut deeper than a knife.
For five years,Id clung to that phrase"I trust you"thinking it meant he was finally learning to rely on me.Finally seeing me as more than a shadow behind him.
But today,I understood.
It wasnt trust.
It was indifference.
He never asked what I was working on.Never cared if I succeeded or failed.As long as I didnt embarrass him publicly,my presence didnt matter.
For a moment,I wanted to lash out,to scream,That contract wasnt a business deal,it was our divorce agreement!
But before I could speak,his phone rang.
He looked at the caller ID and his face softened.I could see if those sharp,unreadable eyes melted in an instant.
He picked up the call,his voice tender,so unfamiliar I barely recognized him.
Youre not feeling well?Dont push yourself.Ill come get you now,okay?
Every ounce of strength drained from me.
I turned my face away,swallowed the words that had burned in my throat and sat in silence.
When he stopped the car at a random street corner,I opened the door and stepped out without waiting for him to speak.
The cold wind bit at my neck,but it still wasnt as cold as my heart.
Fredric and I grew up together as childhood sweethearts,if you could call it that.
Back then,I was like a little sun,always chasing after him,calling out,Fredric!with a smile wide enough to split the sky.
I believed like some teenage dream that if I stayed bright and warm enough,one day Id melt his frost.Just like Belle eventually melted the beast prince in those fairy tail stories.
But real life isnt a fairy tail.
I was never the heroine.
In high school,I watched him fall head over heels for another girl.A clumsy,messy,overly apologetic girl who couldnt cook to save her life.
Her bentos were half-raw,over-salted nightmares,yet he ate every bite without complaint,even smiling up at her and saying,Delicious.
Once,she spilled coffee on his expensive shoes and nearly burst into tears.He didnt scold her.
Instead,he gently dried her hands,softly whispering,Its okay.Dont be scared.
I,on the other hand,spent years mastering his favorite dishes.I made sure every plate was tailored to his picky taste.But all I ever got was a polite nod,maybe a bite or two,never once a compliment.
I tiptoed around his germophobia,never daring to get too close.
She?She barged right in with no hesitation.
They were in love for three years.
But she couldnt handle his coldness in the end.She decided to leave him and moved abroad without looking back.
Back then,Fredric wanted to chase after her.But his family got into trouble and to secure the support of my family,he agreed to an arranged marriage with me.
I loved him for so long.So,I agreed without hesitation.
Even knowing it wasnt love.Even when he asked me to keep it secret.Even when he told me he didnt love me.
I still said yes.
I thought time and devotion would fill the space she left behind.
Over the next five years,I stood by his side.Managed his business crises,smoothed over the gossip and helped his company survive the storm until I became his second-in-command.
I thought he was softening.
This year,he even said several times he was ready to make our relationship public.
I believed it.
I believed he was finally moved by my efforts.
But then she came back.
Deana Mcmillan,his soft-spoken,naive high school sweetheart.
They said shed been hurt by a bad relationship abroad.Whatever the case,Fredric Gilbert,the man I thought was untouchable,rushed to her side before shed even broken things off with her ex.
I was his wife for five years,but I never saw him like that.
He cooked for her.Delivered soup to her door.Cancelled meetings the moment she called.
And that promise to make our marriage public?
Gone.Not a word about it since she returned.
And not long ago,because of a single call from her,he left me stranded on a rain-soaked highway while I begged him to drive me to my dying mothers bedside.
I never even got to say goodbye.
When I got home,I quietly started packing.
One by one,I pulled the dust-covered dresses from the closet.The ones Id bought for his company banquets.The ones I had imagined him praising with a simple,You look nice.
But he never once noticed.
The bookshelf was the same.Row after row of heavy business books Id forced myself to study just to keep up with him.
I found an old notebook.Inside,in a red pen,I had once written,Hang in there.Hell see how hard youre trying.
I stared at the words for a long time before gently placing the notebook into a box.
When Fredric came home,he noticed the bare room.
Youre packing?he asked,puzzled.
Just getting rid of old things,I replied,voice flat.Theyre gathering dust.
He hummed in acknowledgment.Buy new ones.Whatever you like.
That was it.
Not a flicker of concern.Not even a glance my way.
Later that night,he stepped out of the bathroom,his hair still wet,carrying the scent of his cold pine shampoo.He sat on the edge of the bed,wrapping an arm around my waist as naturally as always.
My mom asked when were having a baby,he said,voice low.
Once upon a time,I wouldve laughed and wrapped my arms around him.I wouldve squealed,The sooner the better!
But now,I gently pushed him away.Im not feeling well,I said,quietly.
He frowned.Your periods over,isnt it?
I justdont want to.
He looked like he wanted to say something,but didnt.In the end,he turned and walked out.
I remembered the first time we were intimate.
I had cried from the pain but still smiled through it,because I thoughtthis was love.
Even when it became routine,even when it started to feel like an obligation,I endured it.Smiling.Hoping one day it would mean something.
But not anymore.
This marriage doesnt mean anything to me now.
Seven days.
Just seven more daysand Ill be free.
The next morning,I arrived at the office as usual.
I placed my briefcase on the desk and turned on my computer,preparing to begin my transition work.For the first time in years,I didnt stop by the break room to brew coffee for Fredric.
Normally,Id hand-deliver him a perfectly customized Americano first thing in the morning.
But today,I sipped my own bitter black coffee alone at my desk,reviewing contracts in silence.
When Fredric stepped out of his office,his eyes instinctively scanned my desk and froze.
Only one cup of coffee.Mine.
He paused.Just for a second.But said nothing and continued walking past.
The entire office felt unusually still.
In the past,Id be chattering away like a sparrow,breaking up the dull workday with a cheerful voice that filled the silence.
But today,I didnt even look up.
Fredric lingered by my desk.
Is there anything giving you trouble at work?His voice was low,unreadable.
No.I didnt look up.
He stared at me a moment longer.There was something sharp,almost probing,in his gaze.I thought maybe,just maybe,hed bring up the contract he signed without reading.
But then,a loud gasp rang out from the hallway.
Fredric jerked his head toward the sound,eyes narrowing in alarm.
I followed his gaze toward the glass window and felt my stomach drop.
Deana stood at the stairwell,hugging a large,unstable box of documents.One of her heels was caught in the step.Her body tilted dangerously over the edge.
There were at least ten steps behind her and a cold cement floor below.
Her arms trembled and the box wobbled.She could fall any second.
Deana!His voice cracked,raw and frantic,more emotion than Id ever heard from him.
He shoved my chair out of the way and took off like a bullet.
Fredric!I called after him.Dont run like that,its dangerous!
I reached out to grab his arm,terrified that hed slip.I didnt care about Deana,all I cared about was him.
I even shouted for security to help,but he didnt even look at me.
Instead,he yanked his arm away from mine.The back of my hand burned red where hed slapped it aside.
He sprinted up the stairs faster than the guards could react.
I watched as he reached out,grabbing Deana just in time to pull her into his arms.
But the momentum knocked them both backward.
The box tumbled and they fell together.
Boom!
The crash echoed through the hall.
I rushed forward,frozen as I reached the top of the stairwell.
Fredric was sprawled on the ground,shielding Deana with his own body.His shoulder had slammed hard into the iron railing.I heard him grunt in pain.
But his eyes,when he looked at her,were unbelievably soft.Like the ice had finally thawed.
My hands were trembling.
The fall wasnt deadly,but it couldve been.If his head had hit the floor instead of his shoulder,he might have died on the spot.
And yethe didnt hesitate.Not for a second.
I looked down at my reddened hand,the one he flung away moments earlier and let out a broken laugh.
There was no warmth in it.Only something bitter and freezing.
I turned and walked back to my desk.
My fingers trembled as I pulled the wedding ring off my finger.
This ring,the one his mother had personally chosen for us,was the one I used to sneak kisses at when he wasnt looking,pretending it was a symbol of love.
Enough,I whispered to myself.
I stood up,walked to the break room and dropped the ring into the trash.
It made a faint clink as it hit the bottom.
Like the sound of something breaking.
Final and irrevocable.
I pushed open the hospital room door and warm light spilled out.
Fredric was sitting up in bed,one arm wrapped in bandages,but his gaze was soft as he whispered comfort to the teary-eyed Deana beside him.
I told you,its not your fault,he said gently.I shouldnt have rushed like that.
Deana sniffled,her eyes red like a weeping child.But if I hadnt slipped,you wouldnt have gotten hurt
Her voice trembled and her posture was timid like she was trying to shrink herself into nothing.
His mother sat by the bedside,patting Deanas hand with affection.Youve always been too kind.When you were younger and lived in our house,you cried over breaking a bowl.
And Fredriche used to be so cold.If not for you,he would never have learned to smile.
His father chuckled,nodding.Exactly.You even cooked for him in high school.It was awful,but he always finished it clean.Said he couldnt hurt your feelings.
Back then,we all thought the two of you were bound to end up together.
The entire room radiated warmth,like they were one happy family.
I stood at the doorway,gripping the fruit bag until the plastic handles cut into my skin.
For years,Id been the one cooking,cleaning,supporting Fredric through every storm.Id taken care of his parents,endured their coldness and smiled through it all.
But not once did I receive a kind word.
Fredric finally noticed me and his expression cooled immediately as he questioned,What are you doing here?
Deana jumped up nervously,giving a small bow.BrittanyIm sorry.Fredric got hurt because of me.
Please dont blame him.Its my fault,not his.II didnt mean to
Her voice was soft,birdlike and trembling with innocence.
Before I could even speak,Fredric stepped forward and gently pulled her behind him,blocking my view of her completely.
Dont say that,he said,his voice firm.It was my choice to protect her.It has nothing to do with Deana.Brittany,dont take it out on her.
His mother sighed when she added,Dont cause a scene.This isnt Deanas fault.Fredric chose to save her,so dont need to be angry,okay?
I looked at all of them standing on her side like it was the most natural thing in the world and I laughed.
Not out loud.Just a quiet,bitter twist of my lips.
As if I were the jealous ex-wife.The evil,possessive woman plotting against the poor,fragile mistress.
Deana stepped forward,wanting to apologize again,Brittany
But I cut her off with a cold smile that could slice skin.
Just be glad youre not dead,I said calmly.I came to see for myself.Thats all.You can go back to playing house now.
I turned on my heel and walked out without another word.
Brittany!Fredric called after me.
But I didnt stop.
Outside,I pulled out my phone and dialed.Edward?
His warm voice came through the line.Hey,long time no hear.Is everything okay?
I stared at the blinding white lights in the corridor.
I want to move out,I said quietly.Can you help me?
When?He asked calmly,as if will agree with anything I said.
This afternoon.
***
Back in the hospital room,silence had fallen.
Deanas eyes welled with tears as she wailed,Did I upset her?II didnt mean to
His mother grabbed her hand gently and calmed her,Sweetheart,youve done nothing wrong.Fredric cares about you.He wouldnt have risked his life if he didnt,so dont take this to heart.
His father nodded as he added,Exactly.Brittanys always beenhigh-strung.
Fredric stood there silently,staring at the closed door,a strange pressure tightening in his chest.
FredricDeanas voice was small.The apartment Im staying in isnt safe.My ex keeps showing up.Im scared.
Can I stay with you for a while?Just like in high school?
Before he could reply,his mother answered for him,Of course,she can.Right,Fred?
Fredric looked at Deana.
He hesitated.
Logic told him that this was wrong to bring a single woman to a married couple's house.
But when he saw the vulnerability in her eyes,he finally murmured,Alright.You can stay with me for a while.
***
That evening,he brought her home.
Shell stay with us temporarily,he told me.Her place isnt secure.Dont overthink it.Shes just a friend now.
Oh,I said simply,without looking at either of them.
His brows furrowed slightly,thrown off by my unexpected calm.
The old me wouldve been furious,argued and cried as if the world ended tomorrow.
But now,I looked at Deanas faintly red eyes as if watching from behind a thick wall of glass,emotionless and detached.
That was when the door opened again.
Footsteps echoed into the hall.
Finally done moving,a familiar voice called out.You hoard more crap than a prepper.
Edward stepped inside,dragging two suitcases.
He walked straight over and draped his arm over my shoulder without hesitation.
You owe me dinner for this,he said with a teasing grin.And I mean the expensive one.
Fredrics face darkened instantly.
His voice was low,tight with fury.Brittany,what the hell is this?
I didnt flinch.
What do you mean?I couldnt move all my stuff alone.So,I asked a friend for help.
I didnt even lift my head as I explained more,Relax.You know Edwards like a brother to me.
Fredrics jaw clenched,throat working like he wanted to say something,but choked on it.
Because just yesterday,he told me Deana wasjust a sister.
Funny how it sounded so different when I said it.
Edward looked him up and down with a faint smirk,mocking,Dinner?Nah,save it for the divorce party.
What did you say?Fredrics voice rose,eyes blazing.
I paused for a beat.
My cousins father and stepmom are divorcing,I said calmly.Were throwing a celebration.
A flicker of relief passed over Fredrics face.I also felt relieved since he actually bought it.
After all,in his mind,I would never divorce him.
In his mind,he only knew me loved him too muchright?
The next morning,I woke later than usual.
By the time I came downstairs,the kitchen was already filled with the heavy scent of pork broth.Deana was at the dining table,gently ladling soup into a bowl,her face glowing with effort and sweetness.
Fredric,she said softly,I remember you loved this kind of pork rib soup.Back in high school,you used to drink two big bowls at once.I simmered it for three hours just for you.
Fredric didnt say anything.He simply took a sip,then another.His gaze,as always lately,was gentler when it landed on her.
He even let her fix his collar and adjust his tie like it was the most natural thing in the world.
I froze at the bottom of the stairs.
I had tied his ties beforeclumsily,perhaps,but with love.He used to brush my hands away,feeling annoyed and saying I was too slow or that the scent of my perfume bothered him.
But now,with Deana,he didnt flinch.Though he knew if her hands were still warm from cooking and directly touched his collar with those dirty hands.
I forced my eyes away and walked to the table.
I picked up my spoon and took a bite of Deanas soup.
It wasawful.The smell alone turned my stomach and the taste made my throat burn.But I forced it down.
Seconds later,I couldnt hold it anymore.
I jumped from the table and rushed to the sink,retching.
Deana gasped behind me,her voice trembling,tearful.Was itthat bad?Did I do something wrong?Should I leave?
She wrung her apron,eyes shimmering and her voice barely above a whisper full of guilt and innocence.
I wiped my mouth calmly.Im just not used to it.Ill make something else later.
Before I could sit back down,Fredric slammed his spoon on the table.
Clack!
The sharp sound made the room still.
She spent hours making this,he said coldly.If you didnt want to eat it,you couldve said so.No need to be so cruel.Cook your own food from now on.
His words hit harder than any slap.
There was warning in his eyes,as if he felt annoyance and disgust at the same time.
I didnt even have the energy to feel angry.
I simply turned away and walked to the kitchen.
Behind me,Deana whimpered,Fredric,maybe I was too forward.I shouldnt have
He didnt go comfort me.Instead,he patted Deanas shoulder and said,Dont overthink it.Shes just like that.
I stopped in my tracks.
My hands,hovering over the cutting board,began to tremble.
He didnt even try to hide it anymore.
For five years,I cooked,burned my hands and studied his tastes.I flipped through cookbooks until the pages wore thin just for one word of praise.
But I never got it.
Deana simmered a pot of lukewarm sludge and he calls iteffort.He shielded her from my reaction like I was the villain.
When we arrived at the office,they stood side by side in the elevator.
I stood behind them and pressed the button for my floor.
A few colleagues joined us,whispering just loud enough for me to hear.
Did you see that video yesterday?The way the CEO rushed to save that girl looked like a scene out of a drama!
Shes his old classmate,right?They look so good together,like a perfect couple.
I thought the CEO was secretly married?Dont tell me,its her?
Deanas cheeks turned pink.She waved a hand,laughing softly,No,no.Were just classmates.Really!
The way she said it in a gentle,shy and delicate way was worse than a confirmation.
She didnt need to say yes.She let their imaginations run wild.
Fredric didnt say a word to clarify or to stop the rumors.
I remembered the time I draped my jacket over his shoulders at work.He pulled me aside that night and said,voice like ice,This is a workplace.Dont do anything that could cause misunderstandings.
But now?
He stood there while they guessed she was his wife and said nothing.
I turned,stepped out of the elevator and walked straight to HR.
Id like to hand in my resignation,I said.
The HR manager blinked in disbelief.Youre quitting?
I handed over the envelope.Yes.
She lowered her voice.Is it because of thenew lady?But I thought you were
I smiled faintly and said nothing.
Everyone in the company had already decided who the realMrs.Gilbertwas.
And it wasnt me.
Just as she was about to respond,a staff member rushed in and reported,Theres a fight outside.Mr.Gilbert is in a fight for Deana!
I bolted.
A crowd had gathered at the front gate.Three or four thugs surrounded Deana.One of them was swinging a metal pipe.
Fredric stood in front of her,shielding her with his own body.Blood dripped from a cut above his brow.
His voice was ice as he shouted,Get lost!
Then he lungedfist connecting with one of the attackers,fighting bare-handed.
My heart nearly stopped as I saw this,so I ran toward him and yelled,Fredric,are you crazy?!You could die for this girl?!
He turned,eyes blazing and shoved me away.
What?I gasped.
He took a step forward,fury twisting his face the time he asked coldly,Brittany,was this you?
My breath caught in my throat.What are you talking about?
Dont pretend,he growled,teeth clenched.You never liked her.Is this your revenge?Did you hire these thugs?!
My world tilted.
I stared at him,disbelief ripping through my chest.You think I would stoop that low?!
He didnt blink.
Youre smart.You know people.It wouldnt take much effort,right?His voice was like a blade.I never realized how cruel you really are
Enough!I screamed.
Pain exploded in my chest and I could barely breathe.
You think I did this because Im jealous youplayed hero?You think I hired people to scare her?!Fredric,I have never ever sunk to that level.
His eyes narrowed.Everyone knows you hate her.Dont act innocent now.
I stared at him,blinking back tears and let out cold laughter.
She cries and suddenly the world is bullying her.I frown once and Im the villain?You only see her.You always have.
He flinched and wanted to argue more,but behind him,Deana clutched his sleeve.
She innocently said,Fredric,dont.Its not worth fighting.Its my fault.II overreacted because back in high school,she had someone bully me.
That was it.
That was the final spark.
I lifted my chin,my voice sharp as ice as I roared,You think Id waste my time plotting against you?!
I turned to Deana,eyes blazing.If Id wanted you gone in high school,you wouldnt have made it to graduation,let alone stolen my husband.
Enough!Fredric roared and then he slapped me.
The sound cracked like thunder,making my cheek burn red.
I stumbled and hit the ground,resulting in my palms scraping the concrete and blood rising through torn skin.
He hit me?
How dare Fredric hit me?!
He didnt come to help nor look at me.
Instead,Fredric turned and lifted Deana in his arms protectively and tenderly like she was made of porcelain.
He carried her away and the sound of the car door slamming shut echoed through my bones.
He left me there,like I meant nothing and no one for him.
My hands clutched my abdomen as a sharp,unbearable pain bloomed through my stomach.
I took a step and warm blood spilled down my legs.
Maam,youre bleeding!A woman screamed,rushing to my side.Youre losing blood!
I opened my mouth to say,Its nothing.But I never got the words out.
The pain swallowed me whole.
The ER was a blur of white lights and frantic voices.
Shes losing too much blood!
Wheres her next of kin?We need a signature,fast!
Shes married,but her husbands not answering.Weve called over a dozen times.
Without a signature,we might lose the baby.
I heard all of it as if underwater.
My body felt like it wasnt mine.It was floating,broken and unraveling.
My chest also felt heavy and my throat burned like it was lined with glass.
But I forced myself to speak,so I forced my arm up,gripped the doctors sleeve with all the strength I had left.
Ill sign,I rasped.Let the baby go.I dont wantI dont want to keep it.
The words fell like stones from my mouth.
The doctor froze.Are you sure?
I nodded,biting down the scream that threatened to tear from my throat.My tears finally broke free,sliding silently down my cheeks.
The operating room was cold,far colder than I imagined.The sterile scent of disinfectant clung to the air like frostbite.
I stared at the ceiling as metal instruments clinked into trays.A nurse whispered softly,Stay still,itll be over soon.
The anesthesia hadnt fully kicked in,so I felt it every tug,every burn.
I bit down so hard on my lip that the taste of blood filled my mouth,mixing with the sob I refused to let out.
Im sorry,I whispered silently to the child Id never met.Im sorry,little one.
You werent made from love.You were just a checkbox,something that Fredrics mother asked for.
I only wanted to tell you that I didnt want to bring you into a world like this.A home where your father would never look at you the way he looked at his mistress.
So,it would be better for me to let you go.
It was the only thing I could do that felt like love.
When I woke,the pain was dull,but constant.My stomach ached,empty and hollow,like something had been scooped out of me.
No one was beside my bed,not even him,my husband I loved for years.
Indeed,I didnt expect him to come.But somewhere in my mind,I still hoped.
However,the reality was clear.Fredric never came.
Not for the bleeding.Not for the screaming.Not for the death of the child he didnt even know he had.
The only thing waiting for me was my phone,buzzing on the nightstand.
A new Instagram post from Deana.
I opened it with trembling hands.
The photos were like knives.I saw her and Fredric at Disneyland,both wearing matching Mickey Mouse ears.
He was smiling gently and laughing as she clung to his arm.She looked radiant,like a girl in love.
They looked happy.
I stared at the screen,remembering the nights I begged him to take me to Disneyland.
Please,Fredric?Id giggle.Just once?I want to wear those stupid headbands and eat overpriced cotton candy.
Hed always frown and said,That place?Childish.
But now he did it for her,just like everything else.
My fingers curled around the phone as the pain in my chest bloomed again.
It hurt so much I couldnt breathe.
Letting go of Fredric hurts like hell,because he wasnt just my husband.
He was my childhood crush.My teenage fantasy.My entire youth wrapped in one cold-hearted man.
But I was done lying to myself.
I pitied myself.
I turned off the screen and saw my own reflection that looked pale,hollow-eyed and lifeless.
A new message popped up.
It was from the lawyer.
[The divorce is nearly finalized.We can arrange the signing tomorrow.]
Just then,my phone buzzed.
It was Fredric.
I stared at his name flashing on the screen for a couple seconds before answering.
You called me over ten times earlier.What was so urgent?His voice sounded a little tense,though he tried to keep it low and calm.
I closed my eyes,kept my voice steady as I answered,Its nothing.
There was silence on the other end.Then he spoke again,gentler this time,as if apologetic.
Brittany,I looked into it.Those thugs werent hired by you,they were sent by Deanas ex.Im sorry.I got it all wrong.
"Sorry."
Such a light word.So easy to say.
But it hit me like a hammer to the heart.
I didnt reply.
Afraid Id hang up,he quickly added,Tomorrows our sixth wedding anniversary.Ive decided to make our marriage public.I want the whole world to know youre my wife.
He kept talking,Also,I noticed your rings not on your finger.Are you upset?If you dont like that ring,Ill get you a better one
Fredric,I cut him off.
Yeah?
I pushed back the bitter ache rising in my chest and simply said,Its nothing.You should get back to work.
He probably wanted to say more,but I brushed him off and hung up.
I stayed out the whole day before finally heading home.I pushed the door open lightly,only to be greeted by cold,stale air.
There was no trace of me in the house anymore.
Instead,everything reeked of Deana.
Her shawl was tossed over the couch.A half-finished cup of milk sat on the coffee table,the faint perfume clinging to it both unfamiliar and jarring.
Even at the entrance,her pink slippers were neatly placed,like this was always her home,not mine.
I walked into the bedroom.On the nightstand lay a forgotten old notebook.
It was my high school love letter journal.The cover was yellowed,pages worn thin.
I flipped it open and the first line of clumsy teenage handwriting made me laugh through the tears.
[Fredric,you probably dont notice me,but I like you.]
Back then,I thought love could conquer anything.That if I tried hard enough,just like in those silly romance dramas,Id melt his icy heart.
But reality wasnt a drama.Love didnt always reward persistence.
I sat at my desk and,for the last time,wrote him a letter.
Not for him,reallybut for the girl I used to be.
As ink touched paper,my tears fell silently.
[Fredric,Ive loved you for almost fifteen years now.
From that first love letter in high school to the day I married you,I always believed if I just loved you enough,you'd see me.
But I was wrong.
I thought marriage was about two people.Turns out,I was just someone getting in the way of your happiness.
I cant wait around anymore.This time,Im letting you goand letting myself go,too.
Lets never see each other again.
I dont want to love you anymore.]
I placed the letter on the desk and tucked my hospital discharge sheet underneath it.
A miscarriage certificate.
Then,I wiped every trace of myself from the house,erased my fingerprints from the smart lock,packed my suitcase and walked away from the prison Id once called home.
As sunlight hit my face outside,I smiled for the first time in a long time.
Happy divorce,Fredric.Theres no next time for us.
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